Sunday, January 11, 2009

Not sure what to feel right now

This morning my grandmother passed away. Saddening? Yes, of course it is. She get use to saying that) an old lady. She was sick with elderly illnesses and just took the same path most elderly people take. All ending in the same result. But to me my grandmother passed away in May of 1996. You see that weekend I went camping with a boyfriend and his family and upon return had to prepare for a week full of final exams in school. I found out by accident that she was in the hospital. No one told me but apparently she had had an aneurysm in her brain and it caused a pretty strong stroke. Neither of my parents told me this. So one day I called and my grandfather answered and through our usual chit chat I asked to talk to grandma and he said she was in the hospital. He apparently didnt know I didnt know. Well the stroke was so strong it took her spirit. The part of her who made her, my grandmother. The one who would take me shopping every time I came to visit, to buy me Lucky Charms and pudding to eat all day everyday I was there! The grandmother who had a special drawer in her dresser full of costume jewerly that I would run back and put on even before I could even glance at the house. I would try on different necklaces, bracelets, brooches and earrings(the vice type earrings that you twisted until it pinched your ear tight) . This was the grandmother who got me the pink spongy rollers so I could play and roll my hair. The one who let me play with all her Oil of Olay items and make myself "beautiful." I would call her every weekend and she would tell me to hang up and she would call me right back so that she paid for the call. We would talk for like an hour each time. What do you talk about for an hour with a grandchild, i dont know but I do look foward to finding out. This grandmother was the grandmother who traveled from Ohio to South Carolina to testify that she would care for me if the judge granted my father sole custody. My father was granted just that. I lived with my grandmother and grandfather (along with daddy) in Ohio for my toddler years and she was my mom for the time I didnt have one. She was my friend when I was having problems with my step mom. She was always my ear to listen and my shoulder to lean and cry on. And in 1996 all that was stolen away. She still remembered all that. She didnt have any lasting effects mentally or physically. She learned it all again. But she was never the same. Her light that shined about her was dim and the older she got the grumpier and more bitter she grew. I never heard my grandmother curse until I came to visit after I married Charles. She was so different. I missed her so badly even though I was still sitting next to her at the time. I was my grandparents favorite mainly because they helped raise me at the beginning, and because I was the first. I will miss those days and never forget them. I really am not sure how to feel, the proper way to feel. I am sad but I dont know completely why. My grandmother has been gone for awhile and its something with the permanent feeling of her not coming back regardless. Not sure I had hope that my "real" grandmother would return. I knew that could never happen. But you always wish and hope that it could happen. I think the fact that the possiblity firmly doesnt exist is what has saddened me. I am relieved at the same time. Knowing the whole family, including my grandmother herself, were waiting for her to pass for the past few years. I know my uncle and aunt worked hard to care for her, and visit her. The rest of the family was to far away to help physically. I know that they must feel some sort of relief and of course sadness. I am sad because I cant go to say goodbye. I dont even remember the last time we talked. The last time I said goodbye. I have no memory of it. I think that may be my hurt. I dont know. Maybe its just all of it. Well it is a part of life and I know it happens to us all. I guess I will do the best I can to work through losing my best friend...again.

1 comment:

Mrs JD said...

I'm so sorry for your loss my dear. I lost my Granddaddy... gosh, it'a already been a year now... and I still teared up tonight when it came up. Grandparents are special and it can be tought to let go.

My thoughts are with you!

Mrs. JD